Faking The Funk

There's always one. Whether it's the workplace or your family, someone has a case of the funk and apparently doesn't know it *side eye*. My question is: If you fart and it stinks, can you identify that? If when you bend down to wipe your ass, can you smell it? I have never been able to understand how people can't discern their BO (body order). Studies show that there may be a chemical imbalance, or glandular issues that cause excess sweat and secretions, but some of you are just trifling as fuck. They have treatments for those conditions anyway, you get the point.

You can't wear the same pair of pants for 5 days straight and think that a hint of ass won't start to linger when you stand up from a seated position. You can't tell me that you can get away with wearing the same ensemble repeatedly and not feel like a dirtball! The only exception to this is jackets and raw denim jeans, as you shouldn't wash those frequently (nor should you wear the same item every day). I have a HUGE issue with BO. I don't care about religion, nationality, circumstance, feelings, NONE OF THAT SHIT! If you enter my personal space reeking of any unpleasantness, I will react accordingly. Feelings are personal, and if you take offense, I'll remind your rank ass that I too am offended. You can square up, and I'll beat your ass with a bar of soap!

Do you tell a friend or family member that they need to wash their ass or clothes? Indeed you do! If you truly care about the people in your circle, you'll make sure they're presenting the best version of themselves. If they have excessive body hair, refer them to a remedy. If they are going through a tough time and can't afford Tide or Dove, when you make your next store run, stock up and share. When the weather gets warmer, you might perspire and need a lil' mid-day wash up. That's fine, but don't wave your arms in the air like you just don't care and think that's cool. Also, be careful with those scents! I am a perfume FREAK, but what I can't stand is a person that feels the need to empty the bottle over their head every day, when the washcloth is still stiff as a board in the bathroom. Wipes, body sprays, perfume/cologne, oils etc. won't mask BO dummy. Now I smell ass and designer impostor eau de toilette with a hint of spring onions? Your disrespectful ass! If you find yourself walking over to the hamper to retrieve the shirt from the other day, just remember that we smell you. Febreeze can't save you. If you can only fit one pair of pants and you notice that they're cowering and dancing in the corner when you take em off, don't eat out for lunch a few days and grab you a new pair. Old Navy has some uniform pants or something if you're on a budget. At any rate, just know that when you encounter the likes of me, you won't be misinformed. I'll politely pull you to the side and let you know that we have an issue in the nether regions that needs to be addressed. If you are a woman smelling of fish, you should be deported. Take your ass to the doctor regularly, wipe your ass properly, and stop letting dudes that eat a rack of fried foods shoot their load into you. The smell of dead sperm will make you want to pull up to a monastery and take a vow of silence. You have to be fuckin' kidding me!