Last Call Mr. Alcohol

Getting over the facade of what could be is a hard thing to do sometimes. We should all have the ability to separate out hearts from our loins as adults. Sometimes it sounds good, but the actions are seriously lacking. Sporadic attention does not warrant my loyalty. Get into this soliloquy real quick:

I know he's not worthy of me. I can't help myself. The way he talks, walks, style of dress, and the tone of his voice sets my hormones aflame. It's like being an alcoholic at the bar. Obviously, you have a problem if you actually LIKE the taste of rail liquor when the top shelf is more smooth and definitely more befitting of an advanced palate. I digress. He's my addiction. What's the cost? I gambled all my morals and values and seemingly lost. Send me more shots until I topple over in a drunken stupor. Phone vibrates. Ignore it! Who am I kidding? I always respond to him. Stupid bitch. This can't be healthy. He shows up, I throw it back. Here we go again. I'm drunk off you. No, WASTED to be exact. You do nothing to fuel my energy. You drain it. I ignore the text so you call back-to back. It's 3 am and I'm right back at the bar. The head's so good, thoughts spinning. Wet as an ocean. My cup runneth over. I'm drunk and you know it. No sobriety tonight. My senses are working overtime. I know you're mine. Stop acting like you care. Stop feeding me rail liquor. 

Your terms is what this situation is based off of. I lie and say it's cool. "It is what it is". Truth is, it's not what I want. Why won't you change? How can a woman be so strong and so weak at the same time? He tells you that you are his, you believe him. You know this song is sung to more hearts than yours. I swear you off. I block your number. I'm lying again. You weak bitch. I can't stop thinking about him. I need an AA meeting. I'm driving to the bar again. No chaser. Self sabotage. Love mirage. He's so selfish. Why do you keep coming back? I like the taste. I'm drunk again. 

The evasive, persuasive, manipulative cycle continues. Disappearances without notice, no solace. Pop back up, open wide, more lies. I'm too smart for this. Laying alone with thoughts that intoxicate. I find myself driving to the bar. I need a fix. I'll wean myself off you one of these days.

Not tonight. I like the taste. Let's pretend that this a means to an end, until I decide to do it again. I really need to wean myself off you. I don't care. Jaded and faded...hungover. I don't wanna be loved anyway. 

Morning Meme 2: Inch High Private Eye

When Duval posted this, I HOLLERED!! It is actually true though. You know all humans start off as having no sexual assignment but the clit is there first. The clit either stays or a penis develops to become a male. So, in theory, you were probably meant to be a girl sir. What we aren't gonna do is pretend like that little pecker is aesthetically pleasing, as that would be a lie. In actuality, women only require 2-3 inches of dick to reach the g-spot, we just have become greedy whores that like to bite off more than we can chew. Most men will never admit that they have puny peckers, especially since women pump their ego up for monetary reasons or status. I'm not putting up with it! I'm not in the mood to scissor tonight sis. If I wanted something I already had, I would go get some boobs to match and have a true lesbian experience. Humble yourself smadam. Make sure you lower your voice when talking to me as well. Only big dick makes demands around here. You ask permission.....

Morning Meme: Utterly Turned Off

Now Listen! I a not one to body shame anyone. You know what...fuck that body shaming shit. You sensitive ass people have made a way to silence all the free thinkers and speakers of the world. I wanna know what in the moo cow utter cluster fuck this is! Good man aside, you can't just spring these 4 inch nipples on a girl. You've got to warn me about your oddities within that month we are supposedly dating. If you don't find a way to slide in the fact that you're breastfeeding with elongated nipplage, then we are gonna have a major problem when you peel your shirt off. That taco meat must go as well Isaac Hayes. If you look close and slowly back away, his chest looks like two mylar balloons awaiting the string to be tied. It's a HARD PASS for me. Not to be shallow, but this is a puddle-worthy post. *shrugs shoulders*

Loco Labias

Crazy isn't cute you dummy. Why would you want to be around a person that makes you "crazy"? Being paranoid every time your man leaves the house, opens his phone, or interacts with another female is UNHEALTHY. You do realize that people are gonna do as they please regardless of your presence and pressure. If anything, your constant accusations and paranoia will drive them to do the shit you claim with justification. I her stories about women doing full-on stake outs, sitting in front of their mate's home, job, and even family member's houses to see if their hunches are true.

One thing about me is that I am big on privacy. You know the saying "Do unto others". Well, yeah... do that. I have NEVER popped up on someone unannounced, nor have I tried to jailbreak a cell phone. I have never called a female to "come to her as a woman", or damaged any property. The only person that looks like a gotdamn fool in those situations is YOU bitch. You think that's love? Stressing out about the whereabouts of a penis does not pay the bills chile. Stalking someone's social media leaving comments and sliding in folks DM is not going to scare the hoes away. People don't have respect for themselves, so why the fuck would they have respect for you and your situation? I'm sorry but having the police called to my residence, having to go to court etc. is not the way a diva conducts herself. What y'all need to do is start tightening up your boundaries, and stop ALLOWING a MF to manipulate you, take you for granted and lead you astray. You know that thing called intuition? No matter how much we wanna ignore it, it's a real thing. Energy shifts, and you damn sure don't need to see your boo's texts to see when shit has changed (and not for the better).

We really have to stop putting so much effort in trying to save dead relationships. If you have to constantly remind your dude how you need to be treated, he doesn't care sis. If you used to have cute dates planned for you, flowers delivered to your job, whatever corny shit you did (lol), and he doesn't do it anymore, it's because he's become complacent, or he's stroking a new cat. You can't control the feelings and actions of others! What you can control is your reaction to the action (or the lack there of). Stop posting all your relationship quarrels online. Stop looking to others for advice on how to handle YOUR relationship. If you sit a person down that claims to love you, and they make NO EFFORT to do better shortly thereafter, you need to decide whether to remain a doormat, or to let go of the toxicity and do better for yourself. STOP BEING DESPERATE FOR LOVE. Stop calling those women's phones, sending them messages and breaking their windows. If he wants to cheat he will. Occupy yourself. Get some money, get a hobby, get a bigger, better dick. Get your life!

Daddy On Duty

Single fathers that are involved in their kids lives tug at my heart strings. I was in the store watching this guy interact with his son just now, and it really made my heart smile. I saw no ring, no woman in sight, but I did hear him say that he was going to let him play the game before bed. To top it off, both of them were adorable, so I had to tell him that. He said thanks and told me I was cute too but the little one was a tad rowdy so I let him go about his evening.

Society paints such a bad picture of men nowadays, like it's only women that are in toxic relationships. I know PLENTY of good dudes that get treated like shit, but choose to stay with a woman because they have kids, or because child support court is where they'd end up the minute they left. That's imprisonment right? Women get awarded custody without hesitation, even if there's evidence of neglect. I know men that are literally fighting just for visitation rights. The mother isn't' really thinking about the best interest of the kids, but is rather on a tyrant to ruin him because he no longer wants HER. I always encourage my men to remain steadfast in their situation. You actually do have rights. Don't just allow the payments to be enough, and your love limited at the behest of court orders. I salute any single fathers out here that are making ends meet, and still finding the time to entertain me lol. Just wanted to jot this blurb down while thinking about it. I appreciate you for real. I should've gotten the number though.....damn.

Morning Meme: Saving Myself

Is there an age cutoff to care about shit like this? Will I forever teeter on the decision to just GET SOME or be a good girl and play with one penis at a time? Is it sad that I remember every sexual partner I've ever had including their full names? Am I more of a prude than I lead on? I know women that average 10-20 sexual conquests a year! I keep recycling the same dick in an effort to keep my body count down lol. What psychological damage is this doing? I feel guilty when I have sex with more than one person in a year. I have never gone through a "hoe phase" in my 20's or early 30's, so am I missing out on anything? How do we do this? Do you have  few partners in a week? The same day? I need the rule book! So many women have freed themselves from stereotypes and stigma, and are just LIVING! Not to say that sleeping with a bunch of men is liberating, but they might be onto something. I know we all have thought of some crazy shit before, but never acted on it. Who's gonna know if you indulge? If you're safe, and smart about the confines of the situation, get you some dick. This is not a game for those that fall fast. Every man you meet isn't gonna be marriage material, so why deprive yourself of releasing Oxytocin! Use them for what they're good for! I need to take my own advice, and maybe one day I will lol. The issue with me is that I'm a germaphobe, so the thought of a bunch of strangers in my personal space makes me cringe. All those bodily secretions mixing with not enough time to cleanse....okay self...STOP! Too much thinking and not enough humping. Get some for me while I internally struggle with my pornographic thoughts with no action to follow. Freaks!

Revolving Doors

I came across this on an astrology page, but it can be applied to all zodiac signs. Do you ever wake up one day and get sick of being the forever understanding, always available one? I swear you MF's have killed the phrase "I'll be there whenever you need me" with your manipulative asses! So, let me say that I will NOT be available! I will not be in the rotation one day and then out the next. You will keep an open line of communication, and I require your undivided attention when I'm in your presence! No it's NOT okay for you to disappear into thin air for weeks and/or months on end, only to pop up via text or social media to reintroduce yourself. I don't give a fuck what I used to allow. Today is a different day bitch! The air is smelling like...a new man! A better cut of meat! Eureka!

I realized the revolving door I used to have in my heart, mind, and bed was under construction, and I have recently unveiled a solid gold vault that you are unable to penetrate! The empty promises, the faint picture of the future people will paint should not be a catalyst for you to put up with less than you deserve. A pro will make you believe that things are the way they are due to your lack of action. How do you give a person that's all over the place your all? Who the fuck benefits from "what if's" and maybe's?  I will NOT give situationships monogamous relationship privileges! I will NOT do back flips on your dick, cook, clean, do laundry...NONE OF THAT SHIT. I get three minutes of dick, a headache, and a host of  wyd texts, and I'm expected to swoon? Kiss my ass! Y'all gotta understand something. A woman that knows her full potential and value is a dangerous being. People like myself with bleeding hearts tend to give folk more chances than they deserve, trying to see the

good in them and awaiting their promised growth/change. In the end, the perpetrator will just use you as long as you allow them to. They think you're sweet and sex drunk. Nah, I'm really just giving you a chance to see what you stand to lose. I keep my options open, and also date in the meantime. Only a dummy will put all their eggs in one basket when dealing with a person that thinks that life revolves around them (pun intended). Stop giving people leeway to do whatever they please. Nip that shit in the bud. If you want to be in my life, pettiness and tit-for-tat shenanigans will be moot . I don't have time to court men in 2019. You don't call me, I won't call you. You don't make plans to see me, I will make plans to see someone else. You don't put forth any effort, you get dismissed. You want to be the only one, you need to reciprocate. I don't care how irreplaceable you think you may be dear heart, there is a man with more on the horizon, so go be mediocre with a bitch that has low self esteem, empty pockets, and a yearning for acceptance. I don't fit the description!

2018 Retrospective

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Late as fuck per usual! Listen guys, I promised a year ago to update content on a weekly basis, since daily was becoming more cumbersome. I have failed you all. I received messages on all my social media platforms about how you loved my posts, and wanted new updates. I honestly didn't think you were paying me any attention. I guess you never know who you're reaching, and what a simple laugh can do to brighten someone's day.

My goal is to transition to vlogging, but again, the time taken out must be steady and without inhibition. Amidst my vanity, and multitude of ideas that I start and don't finish, I say to you:

*places hand on heart*

"I, Melonie the MF G, vow to bring you more raw and uncut material on a weekly basis. I promise to continue to be myself, and not conform to anyone else's ideas of what's acceptable. I will make you laugh, disgust you, and also provide great educational information. On this I solemnly swear" 

*removes hand from heart*.

Moving along.....

This year has started off without excitement for me. I definitely took my time to think about my bucket list. Of course my fat ass wants to get in shape, but I never hold myself to that. it all depends on what I'm trying to accomplish. My gym membership has dust on it, and I honestly have no excuse for not using it. I feel much better when I work out, and my sex drive seems to increase. I feel heavy and sleepy all the time, so the water must increase, the fast food must be cut out completely, and the gallon of water a day has to be reinstated. Sounds simple right? Lol. Unfortunately, when hanging out with friends fulla THC and Cliquot, one doesn't lean toward the healthy side of the menu. Bring on the fried food bitch!! What else is new with me? I'm still single, and honestly have become so comfortable with being able to choose who I entertain, I don't even think about a future filled with marriage. I want attention when I do, and when I don't, I don't want you in my house. Sounds crazy to some, but it makes perfect sense to me lol. Everyone says I think this way because I haven't met "The One", and they may be right. In the meantime, I shall remain focused on the PRESENT and continue to be stingy with my time and affection. Feelings don't generate revenue, so unless you  plan on being dependent upon someone else, you better learn to separate your heart from your private areas. You'll be shit outta luck in this generation. People only do what's convenient for them, and your feelings are secondary. 

I feel like I'm rambling, so I'll end things with my latest venture. I am in process of becoming a certified Sexuality Expert/Coach!! I have always been a trusted source by many to discuss their relationship and sexual issues, as I always give sound and honest advice, without inserting myself. I plan on using my expertise to empower men and women. Healthy body image, healthy sex (whether single or taken), and of course bringing my crazy personality in the mix. I plan on doing parties, retreats/seminars, groups, couples, etc. I hope to provide guidance to older couples, young couples, teens, gay, bi, straight, EVERYONE lol. I am just becoming a one stop shop I tell ya!! Raise your imaginary glasses to another year of putting up with me!! Love ya!

Lovers and Friends

Do you think it's possible (or healthy) to remain friends with someone you once loved? I say it all depends on the situation. If the split was amicable, then I don't see an issue with remaining cordial. If you were friends with a person before taking it to the next level, I think you can still be friends. I am still cool with majority of my past lovers, boyfriends, etc. In my case, shit just didn't work out. This doesn't mean the individual must be thrown in the ex flames to smolder possible future indefinitely. The caveat is, you might not be able to get over a person if you entertain them too soon after a breakup, so you need to give yourselves some space to figure things out. Hell, you might realize that breaking up wasn't the anecdote, and you might want to work through whatever issues you had.  Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be at THAT time, but shit changes and people grow up (unless of course they don't). Staying friends with an ex has its boundaries. Sexual attraction may never fade, but as an adult, you have to look past mere physical attraction to really gauge the longevity of a situation.

Now, if a MF was out here slanging wang and vagine to anyone that looked twice, that shouldn't be easily overlooked. Any disrespectful action toward a person that was loyal to you warrants the need for termination. I see more often than I'd like to admit, a woman defending the greedy actions of her POS (piece of shit) insignificant other. I don't give a fuck how many squabbles we get into. If your only course of retaliation is to dole out dick, I don't want you back. I have never been THAT mad at my partner that I would go lay up with another. If you feel that you have slipped into oblivion on the relationship atlas, just dismiss this MF and move along. Be single. Enjoy the single life. Keep your communication to a minimum. Always remember, CLOSURE IS A SCAM darling! There is no need for that additional face-to-face meeting, as you'll just end up bent over the arm of the couch taking him back for the 63rd time. It's reckless and weak to be dick-manipulated. Go invest in a vibrator or something if you can't control your loins.

At the end of the day, some folk (no matter how unhealthy) are hard to purge from your system. Everyone around you will have their 2 cent to include, their unwarranted advice, and their told-you-so snarky ass responses. When you're finally fed up with being in an unrewarding situation, you'll sever all ties and hopefully find solace in the arms of a more deserving individual.

Morning Meme: Can't Change A Man

You bitches really think you can change a man? You can't change ANYONE that doesn't want to change. You can think your twat is lined in gold, that because you're pretty with a shot of ass that he won't cheat. Shit, you can give head better than a porn star, cook like his fat ass grandma, drive like a NASCAR racer, recite Hamlet, and guess what, he'll still cheat on your ass! A ring? That means nothing either nowadays. That's just to keep the main bitch silent, while he still entertains the lesser than. A man will only change when he decides to. This usually happens after they've run through all their options, shopped around, had a few kids, you know how this generation is. Usually, they will attempt to snake their way back into the woman's life that was actually there for his ass while he was too busy smelling himself. If you're dumb, you'll take him back. If you're smart, you'll do better with the expectation that he'll try to come back, but you'll get great pleasure in turning him down. Don't let these MF's treat you like their "sometimes". You will either get down or lay down. You can't put me on layaway, or on hold and think that I'm gonna sit around and wait for you. I also won't be putting forth the energy to teach you how to treat me, or help you to realize my worth. Just chock it up to you being too much of a woman for em', and they just aren't ready. Stop dancing and jigging for these dudes out here. Do for self. Tighten up your shit! Buy that bag you wanted, renew that gym membership and work on your own shit. Stop trying to force people to change! Give them a chance to prove they're a worth adversary, and if that can't be proven, wean yourself off that drug that is usually sexual in nature. Stop looking for a man, and let what's meant to be, BE. Stop giving these men the wife life, when they won't even claim your ass. If he's not ready to hang his jersey up and get out the game, tell him you're no longer his team. You're trading yourself to the Florida Fuck You's and keep it pushing. Change will come eventually, but don't keep making yourself available to bullshit. You're the prize girl!

Faking The Funk

There's always one. Whether it's the workplace or your family, someone has a case of the funk and apparently doesn't know it *side eye*. My question is: If you fart and it stinks, can you identify that? If when you bend down to wipe your ass, can you smell it? I have never been able to understand how people can't discern their BO (body order). Studies show that there may be a chemical imbalance, or glandular issues that cause excess sweat and secretions, but some of you are just trifling as fuck. They have treatments for those conditions anyway, you get the point.

You can't wear the same pair of pants for 5 days straight and think that a hint of ass won't start to linger when you stand up from a seated position. You can't tell me that you can get away with wearing the same ensemble repeatedly and not feel like a dirtball! The only exception to this is jackets and raw denim jeans, as you shouldn't wash those frequently (nor should you wear the same item every day). I have a HUGE issue with BO. I don't care about religion, nationality, circumstance, feelings, NONE OF THAT SHIT! If you enter my personal space reeking of any unpleasantness, I will react accordingly. Feelings are personal, and if you take offense, I'll remind your rank ass that I too am offended. You can square up, and I'll beat your ass with a bar of soap!

Do you tell a friend or family member that they need to wash their ass or clothes? Indeed you do! If you truly care about the people in your circle, you'll make sure they're presenting the best version of themselves. If they have excessive body hair, refer them to a remedy. If they are going through a tough time and can't afford Tide or Dove, when you make your next store run, stock up and share. When the weather gets warmer, you might perspire and need a lil' mid-day wash up. That's fine, but don't wave your arms in the air like you just don't care and think that's cool. Also, be careful with those scents! I am a perfume FREAK, but what I can't stand is a person that feels the need to empty the bottle over their head every day, when the washcloth is still stiff as a board in the bathroom. Wipes, body sprays, perfume/cologne, oils etc. won't mask BO dummy. Now I smell ass and designer impostor eau de toilette with a hint of spring onions? Your disrespectful ass! If you find yourself walking over to the hamper to retrieve the shirt from the other day, just remember that we smell you. Febreeze can't save you. If you can only fit one pair of pants and you notice that they're cowering and dancing in the corner when you take em off, don't eat out for lunch a few days and grab you a new pair. Old Navy has some uniform pants or something if you're on a budget. At any rate, just know that when you encounter the likes of me, you won't be misinformed. I'll politely pull you to the side and let you know that we have an issue in the nether regions that needs to be addressed. If you are a woman smelling of fish, you should be deported. Take your ass to the doctor regularly, wipe your ass properly, and stop letting dudes that eat a rack of fried foods shoot their load into you. The smell of dead sperm will make you want to pull up to a monastery and take a vow of silence. You have to be fuckin' kidding me!

Prince Charming The Pansy

That's what they say, and I am not ashamed to agree, Why is everything that's bad for us the fuckin' best tasting, best looking, and best feeling shit ever? The best food that makes you a fat ass tastes the best. The best sex is attached to a community cock sharing dude that you can't get enough of. I don't care how much of a good girl you are, you've either lusted over, or dealt with a dude that you KNEW wasn't about shit!  You kept entertaining him anyway just like I did. He's a womanizer, and won't deny it. He calls himself being up front about everything, but makes you feel SO GOOD when in his company that all morals, principles, and values go out the window (sorry Dad). He knows all the right things to say, the right things to do, and you can't help but fall for his charm. Where are my panties? How'd they come off so easily? Wait, I don't wanna be another female you pursue, fuck, and leave. Stop kissing me. Don't lick your lips like that. Don't take that shirt off. SHIT. I done slipped and fell on the dick. I gotta stop talking to him. He's no good for me. I can't help it though! The sex clouds my better judgement. I know I have so much to offer to a deserving man, but I just can't get past his appeal. He's so raunchy, rough, careless even. What the fuck is wrong with me? Remember that nice guy you met downtown? He was a nice looking guy, not really my type, but I'm trying to broaden my horizon and stop focusing on looks. He had a professional demeanor, and asked all the standard interview questions. What do you do, favorite color, favorite food, where have I traveled to, why don't I have kids and do I want them, how many siblings I had etc. You know, the standard interview questions one has to answer when actively dating. On paper, we would be PERFECT together. He was college educated, an Engineer, no kids, nice condo car, all the things that a gal needs to consider longevity. Right? What was the problem? He was boring as fuck! Like, watching paint dry boring. The first date was a dry, but I chocked it up to nerves (on his part, as I was cool as a cucumber). I still smiled and enjoyed my food amid the awkward silence that overcame the table. He was a very consistent texter so I decided to go on another date. This time we went to a comedy show. Now, I was expecting him to loosen up some, and possibly put his arm around me, graze my thigh, SOMETHING. I caught him looking at me a few times (that was cute), but I could still sense the nervousness. You know women pick up on the most subtle moves. We went to a bar after that for some drinks and appetizers. He commenced to talk about his favorite basketball team and more about work. I was over this square shit! I wanted to make him uncomfortable to see how he'd react. I asked him what his favorite position was (this was a test BTW). He glared, and started to smirk. He replied. I wasn't turned on the least bit. Everything he said after that was hesitant, unsure, and lacking conviction. The whole time, I was comparing him to Mr. Ain't Shit. I wish I could build a man the way these hoes build a body! I'd keep all the positive attributes from the good guy, but meld the fire, passion, and sex appeal of Mr. Ain't Shit into him lol. I require a man that takes control, and is 100% confident in himself. I want him to still be goal oriented, have the career and goals etc. but I am so tired of having to choose between a total square and a man that you KNOW won't be faithful. It's all about balance, and right now, I have a serious case of vertigo. I wont stop until I find the all inclusive man package!

Morning Meme: Taken and Single

This is so true!! I used to be the type to say that social media is the root of all evil, but no one is holding a gun to your head when you're browsing for a new victim online. I touched on this slightly in my previous post, but I needed to expand on it (that's the purpose of an online diary right?). Just because something is available to you, doesn't mean you need to saunter your happy ass over to it to try your hand. No one is satisfied with what they have, or so it seems that way at least. You can literally have a person in your corner that is EVERYTHING you need, but the slightest discourse causes you to smell yourself and see what you can pull. I swear this is why so many MF's value NOTHING, want EVERYTHING and don't have to work hard for it! Everything is so easily obtained. If a guy isn't the best at approaching women (aka you have no game you lil' bitch), then the internet is the absolute best platform for you. If you're a female and you have low self esteem and seek attention, or are shy/lacking social skills, you can just post a pic and sit back and wait for the attention to come to you.

Either way, if you're in a relationship, you should either respect it or be single.If you utilize social media facets as a means to cheat, then that makes you corny. If you aren't happy in your situation, you need to muster up the courage to leave that situation, regardless of the consequences. One thing I'm NOT about to do is stalk my mate's social media. I would expect that you have some scruples about yourself, and aren't out here slangin' dick to anyone that requests a ride. If you'd like to sell yourself, I'll happily manage you for 50% of the profit, but you won't be dropping dick off in this here vagina once we enter those terms. If your instincts are telling you something is shady in your situation, you're probably right. If you find yourself lurking through comments, messages, etc. you need to find something better to occupy your time. Love doesn't lurk, as love is confident and self assured. Anything of the latter is a reason for separation. You can be a private person and keep all the details of your relationship to yourself, but you're fulla shit if you tell me that you'd NEVER post a pic or video of your significant other. I may not have him gracing the pages of my profile on a daily, but best believe, you'll know who I'm claiming. If you keep getting the run around with regard to reasons why you don't need to be acknowledged, just know that  your significant other isn't as significant as you'd like to think. They're currently online shopping, and the cart is full chile! If you want to be single, then be single, but stop giving folk a reason to act crazy, and pretending like you have no clue as to why. Don't trust these hoes, and don't feed the models *shrugs*.

You Get What You Deserve

There's always that one dude that has all these prerequisites for the type of woman he dates. Now, there's NO ISSUE with having a preference, as we all do, but some of these dudes wouldn't budge from what they considered a perfect woman. Take personality, ambition, intelligence etc. off the table for a second. It's shallow time friends.

As I was saying, we all have a preference. I prefer a man at least 6'2 with a athletic build, beard, beautiful teeth, tattoos hidden underneath a business suit (you catch my drift). However, I always end up dating the latter. That's not a bad thing, it just shows how flexible I am lol. I'll always seek what my heart desires, but will never block what's meant to be based off of appearances alone. We may not always be someones cup of tea, but that doesn't mean you should be completely looked over because you don't possess every quality a man prefers to a T. I have been told numerous times that if I wasn't so tall I would be perfect, or that bullshit about only liking foreign women with long hair and light skin. Oh, but I've always been "pretty for a dark skinned girl". I love a good chocolate drop, so I don't get offended by dumb remarks such as those. I was always called a hater because I would point out (without fail) that those pretty foreign women you follow on social media won't pay your ass any mind because your money isn't long enough, or quite honestly, you're too regular for them to even notice. They are posting for the likes of someone famous, or with a lot of followers that they can scheme off you to add to their repertoire. It's all a game when sex sells boo. The more slinky the swimsuit, the more likes you get, and the more likes you get, the more internet exposure you garner. I'm not mad at the hustle, but your regular ass needs to come on back down to Earth. No matter how many #WCW posts, shout outs, heart emojis, DM messages etc. you send their way, you'll never get chosen. That's life. That's your life Mr. Regular.

You'll notice the same ones that curved you years ago for being too fat, too tall, too short, too light, too dark, too smart, too abrasive etc. have resurfaced with this new found humbled nature. Now all of a sudden it's about appreciating the ones that were down when money was tight, and who always came through with a positive word. It's like they're providing you with this synopsis or theorem as a means to prepare you for those couples pic that shall ensue. You formulate your own hypothesis for this experiment of the heart, and chuckle because your hypothesis is about to be proven true.

The holidays bring about added pressure for couples pics (duh). Most people hide behind the guise of privacy, but we all know that people that don't post pics of their significant other do so as a means to keep all their previous conquests on stand by. It's sad that this is what we do, but I swear it's the truth. In case things go awry, you'll always have backup(s). Now, some people truly are private, but you mean to tell me that we can see pics of your street you live on, where you work, and your family, but you keep your relationship 100% under wraps? I call bullshit friends! I assume the pressure becomes too great on his part, and his "Queen" is finally revealed to the world. I swear y'all, 80% of these hoes look like Penguin from Batman. Where are those standards sir? I thought you only dealt with "bad bitches"? What changed your mind? Has thou been humbled? Art thou accepting that you like more meat on the bones now? Have you had the epiphany that looks fade but this love is forever. Nah, you know that what I said was true. All the bitches you lust after are outta your league. You went from Bad & Boujee to "Bald & Basic". She has a good heart, she takes care of you, and accepts all your kids. No, she takes care of you and puts up with your shit (I guess that makes her humble too right), and told you she was gonna leave your ass and all the benefits attached will dissipate unless you claimed her. Good save kind sir! Your lust for the finer things in life will probably never subside, as we are humans that are attracted to the aesthetically pleasing, but one must remember that what glitters isn't always gold. Don't set your standards so damn high that you or anyone else you encounter has a shot at living up to them. The same things you seek, should be on the table with regard to thine self. If your stomach ain't flat and your pockets are the opposite of swollen, you should never say that you'd never date a big girl, or a woman without a surplus of cash. This is the problem with us now! Everyone is living above their means and thinking they are deserving of the finer things in life with nothing to offer besides a few minutes of sex and a bunch of dreams. People have to stop being opportunists thinking that there's always the next best thing in store, and a what if on the side. If you have someone that overlooks your receding hair line, and depleting ambition, you better hold on to them. Outer appearances can be altered, but REAL loyalty is free, and unwavering. Choose wisely.

Morning Meme: The Gold Standard

Have you ever encountered a man that buys Magnums with no need? Baggy Maggies are not protecting either party involved! You think folding a condom in half and stuffing it inside a vagina is an effective way to mitigate the issue of contracting an STD or avoiding unwanted pregnancy? No! Stop it! You might as well go raw my guy. I'm proud that you could afford the box of Magnums, but allow me to point you in the direction of the condoms that are made for you. There's NOTHING wrong with having an average size penis fellas! Honestly, majority of the men that buy Magnums don't really need them. If I see a Magnum XL laying around, that may be a good reason to escape if you value your uterus lol. The regular Magnums are merely a wider fit, not length. So, calm your balls. All women need is a good 3 inches to hit the G-Spot, so there's no need for you to be embarrassed. If you don't have porn penis, just perfect your craft. It's SO TRUE that size is just ONE variable in the overall experience.

Your foreplay game should be immaculate, and then she will be so over the moon that you could put a pencil in there and she'll go wild (never insert an actual pencil in there though lol). Also, make sure you keep your extremity well groomed. Having an abundance of hair down there only make objects appear smaller than they may be. Manscaping is very important! I don't know how women give head in bushes, but we can talk about that another time. I'm such a germaphobe that if something isn't aesthetically pleasing, I won't go near it anyway, and the size of your condom will be the least of your worries. The condom packaging is a non-factor. I don't get excited about window shopping. If I can go in the store, touch something, and take it with me, I'm gratified. Same principle applies to sex. Just because you put a Magnum on doesn't make you a superior lover! Grab That LifeStyle and go to work! If she still complains after you put her through the full Porn Hub position categories list, just blame her. Maybe she has a gaping vagina with the depth of a well. Just buy the right size condoms for fuck's sake (pun intended). If I catch you folding a condom in half, or grabbing excess condom at the tip, you might be liable to catch these hands. You won't be risking my health because your ego is bruised.

I'll Just Date Myself

What is wrong with these men nowadays? I am SO TIRED of starting over. I feel like I am doing all the work. No, I don't feel like it, I am LITERALLY doing all the work. I apologize for being confident, and knowing my self worth. I apologize for not settling for some bullshit shell of a man just to say that I have one. I apologize for not being willing to chase a grown ass man around. I apologize for not wanting to deal with a man that has a football team worth of kids when I have none. I'm sorry that I refuse to be the only one that texts, calls, sets up dates, initiates sex etc. I AM TIRED! Allow me to expand.

I have dated younger men, men within my age group (30-35), and older men, and they're all consistent. I don't mean that in a good way either. These bastards are consistently inconsistent. I feel like the roles have been completely reversed. The women are now initiating the first contact and facilitating the conversations, planning dates, paying for dates (making the money too while we're on the topic), sliding in DM's and messengers after spotting something they see etc. They literally don't know how to date anymore! It's been so easy to get ass online that the previous dating principles have become obsolete. They don't even try to approach you in public. Fear of rejection *shrugs*. Now, men post their trap pics and the women flock. One would think that was strictly for women, but alas, the shirtless, lip-licking, money flashing men have learned to finesse their way into the panties of the drooling onlookers. The sad part is, most of them can't live up to the facade they display once you factor in the child support and Sallie Mae payments. They don't have to work for shit, and the minute you oppose the obvious, now your'e difficult and they don't want to deal with you. Actually sir, I live in the real world where you have to put your phone down to engage a woman. If the intent of your interaction is purely sexual, then just say so. The sad truth is, I can only stand most of them for the ten minutes (or less) that it takes for me to cum a few times. After that, I have no real use for you. The same way men call themselves gauging the worth of a woman by way of her appearance, women apply the same mindset. Let me speak on behalf of myself. I can entertain a "ain't shit" man for the sole purpose of fulfilling my sexual desire.  However, I am capable of discerning between a real contender versus a man that has nothing to offer besides a beard and a few strokes. Thus, I had to learn how to separate my heart from my loins.

Everyone tells me that I have to stop being so hard on the men. What? How Sway? I'm merely a traditional gal that was raised to know my worth. My father didn't allow me to take out trash, clean cars, do yard work etc. Yes, Mom and Dad had roles. I know our generation is full of independent feminists, but I NEED a MAN. A man that does manly shit. Fuck your feminist movement. You butch bitches can build houses, wash cars, mow lawns, toss mulch, whatever floats your boat. I'll continue to be the dainty one that cooks, cleans, fucks, and looks good with soft skin (not to say you aren't soft either, but stay focused on the point sis). No, I won't dumb myself down for anyone to understand me, as I am a complex being. I love that attribute. He'll have to level up. Probably a few levels. I'm a freak. I'm old enough to understand that and direct it appropriately. I won't always be submissive either, as I like to take control and give direction. I will do and say lewd things, and you will accept it, or you can dismiss yourself. At all costs, I'll be me.

What won't I do? I won't settle for anything less than I deserve. If I feel like I'm the only person putting forth all the effort, you'll notice that I distance myself. I'll express my interest, and will do my part, but I can't do one-sided communication. I refuse to keep telling a man how to treat me. I refuse to "build a foundation" with a 40 year old man. Do you know what the meaning of foundation is? It's the lowest load-bearing part of something. Bitch, I have one foot in the grave almost! If you aren't able to match me and/or do better, I can't foresee us going the distance. Of course, the boundaries of such "foundation laying" are circumstantial. It all depends on the confines of your reasoning for being 20 years behind schedule. If you're 35 with no car, a job paying $10 an hour, with 8 kids in tow, you have no place in my life. I can't buy you clothes and shoes. I'm not squiring you about town in my vehicle, nor will I hand over the keys to it. No, you will not be able to move in with me and pay half the rent, or none at all. Dick won't alter my mindset and have me acting crazy. I'm too busy to be crazy, so calm yourself with that childish shit. I'll delete your number and move along like I never met you. I could die tomorrow, so why do I need to keep selling myself? If you can't realize greatness then you have the deficiency. Trust me, once I find a man on the same wavelength, I'll treat his ass like gold chile lol (just like all the other people in my life that I love)!

Until someone comes along that is serious about a monogamous relationship, I'll just date myself. It's been a grandiose awakening!  I can continue to borrow penis once or twice a year to scratch my itch, but I can't keep putting up with shenanigans. I don't have a biological clock that's ticking, but I have standards. HIGH ones at that. Trust that I come equipped with the full package, so my worth is not up for questioning. I had to learn to stop providing benefits of relationships for people that aren't even options. Since I woke up, a lot of people have stepped out of my life, and I'm cool with that. At least I know who's down. If the love isn't reciprocal, I'll recede. Life is short, and I want to continue to be stress-free and happy. Come find me, as I can't look any further. Game. Set. Match!

Morning Meme: Meat Beaters

I am so serious friends! Allow me to clarify my rationale for being disgusted. The first thing I look at on a man is his hands. I LOVE hands. Now, I am not here to judge you according to your occupation. The auto mechanic and trash man get the same treatment as the high ranking officer, VP, CEO etc. Either way there's absolutely NO EXCUSE for nails to be bitten down that low (points at picture👉)! Nothing turns me off more than maimed and mawed nails! These are the nails of a nervous wreck. A serial killer perhaps? He has a dick fulla hair and lint. These hands belong to a man that will uppercut a bitch and steal her car. These nails belong to a man that has 15 kids. These are felon nails. These are STD nails. Imagine him trying to finger you. Am I the only one holding back from dry heaving? He's the guy with white shit gathering at the corners of his mouth. Breath of fire. I could go on forever, but I think you got the point.

Fellas, it is imperative that your nails are clean, and at the proper length. If you have these pre-school nails, I will assume your dick game is trash, and I will dismiss you. As a matter of fact, I might cringe at the sight of these nails, not even attempting to mask my disdain. This is a clear indication that you don't take good care of yourself, or have some type of mental instability that I am not in the mood to become affiliated with. You don't respect yourself if you bite your nails. This isn't up for debate either asshole.. Are you a zombie? Do you bite your toe nails too? I'm gonna be sick. I saw this meme and instantly felt the need to express my feelings about these meat beaters. I know the owners of such nails will be on the defensive, and possibly feel the need to comment, but my sentiment will still be the same. I will NEVER have sex with  you if your hands look like this, as I value my delicacies. These germ-riddled fingers deserve no more attention from me. I feel like I need a bath!

Valentine's Day Retrospective

Grant it, I didn't have a Valentine that was strewn about my social media facets because the only person I claim is myself on my taxes. Was I alone? No. I actually had a great time (until I woke up and felt like I'd been thrown off a balcony, but that's NOYB). Even when single, I never feel the "sting" of Cupid's absence on Lover's Day. I am truly loved by all that are in my company, and I have penis to play with on demand, so what else could a girl ask for? I still get cards, gifts, kisses etc. so I guess the only thing missing is the fact that I'm not in a committed relationship. Here I am, still living and shit!

I have to take a break from social media on most holidays/days of recognition as the world is so full of angry ass people! It's quite disheartening friends. You can tell who the Bitter Betty's and Lonely Larry's are by the type of shit they post. All I saw was "I didn't know he/she was single", "Look at those wack ass gifts. That's all you got?". LET PEOPLE BE GREAT!! This attitude you've adapted may be the reason your ass is lonely! Where is all the dudes you make dick appointments with? I guess you put two and two together and accepted the fact that you aren't the chosen one, and that lil' trick you like to do doesn't make him want to make you his one and only. My gripe is the lack of loyalty among our generation. These MF's are so bold nowadays that just because pictures are posted, doesn't mean these couples are monogamous (well one of em' is). I've had men slide in my DM on Instagram 2 minutes after posting a pic with his insignificant other to remind me that I shouldn't read too much into the shit they post online. Well sir, what is a lady to think? Your caption states "The love of my life, the one and only", and in the same breath you'd like me to believe this is just a formality so she won't take you to court to enter into that child support agreement. I swear I can't make this shit up people!

Are you bitches that hard pressed that the proof is in your face but yet and still you're fighting for the affection of a man? Sis, you gotta do better.  If he's inconsistent, he's entertaining multiple women. If he only comes through late at night (weekends included), he's entertaining multiple women. If there's always a "in the future" response when you ask about the progression of your situationship, he's entertaining multiple women. If he NEVER takes you out or invites you to his house, bitch he's MARRIED and you need to cut your losses and move on. If he lives with his baby mother, that's his girlfriend. This is rhetorical BTW. You can't tell me any different, as I've witnessed this first hand over the years. You can allow a person to manipulate you if you want to, but the signs are always there. A man that's wanting to REALLY get to know you and not just your vagina is going to put the time and effort in to do so. He'll be consistent with communication efforts, dates etc. Any man you meet that asks for nudes the second time you text him probably has one intention, and if not, that's not the approach one takes to get to know a lady. You might be a whore, and he's just shooting his shot, shit, I don't judge. Fuck em' all....long and deep *shrugs*.

The conclusion: Let people relish in their cheap teddy bears and chocolate. Let them live via the internet with their dried up ass lobster tails, burnt steak, pre-packaged whipped potatoes, cheap wine, and silk flowers that they got from 5 Below. Hit the like button on the picture/video of them in a hotel room that money was wasted on to receive the same three minutes of dick that they got the Sunday prior to the holiday. If you were swindled by someone you chose to entertain, blame yourself. Level up! Make better choices, and maybe next year, you can be cheesy too. Be like me. Let your personal shopper find you a big red Givenchy bag as a reminder of how much love your have for yourself. Don't be bitter baby! Just know, dust settles, and you shouldn't. Stay strong, be smart. If you agree to sex with no strings attached, bitch stay detached. If you aren't built Ford tough, take your ass on Christian Mingle and lock down a serial rapist. Whatever you do, refrain from letting people know you're bored and lonely. It's not attractive beloved. Your'e welcome.

By Popular Demand Bitches

Did you miss me? Apparently, I had a few loyal readers to read my "blog", but I became overwhelmed and decided to stop updating. Subsequently, my old blog was deactivated and all my material was deleted. That was a hard pill to swallow, as I had some EXCELLENT material on that page. Oh well, It's gone and I can't get it back, sorta like me and my ex. He can never get this back lol.

What's new? Nothing much but a lot if that makes sense. I decided to restart my writing from more of a diary perspective versus a blog, as a true blogger updates information on a dedicated schedule. I don't have time for that pressure! I will update when I can, and you can share my greatness then lol. I'd like to thank you in advance, and hopefully, I will be able to keep my posts coming on a daily basis. There's so many social media outlets that I find myself lost in the sauce sometimes. Between my lurking and Snapchat filter addiction, I have a lot of work to do. This online diary will be free of judgement (this is me telling you that), and proofreading. If the English is broken, it's on purpose. Remember, this is my shit, and no one is forcing you to read. If you come at me sideways, you will be eligible to catch this fade👊. Let the crazy commence!!!!